Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
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