haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Randomize
