I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize