You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
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