I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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