You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize