Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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