He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Randomize
