between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
