i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
im about as happy as oj after his trial
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
operation have a gay friend backfired
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Randomize
