lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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