I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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