I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
