If i come over, it means nothing
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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