I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
