Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize
