I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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