In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
