I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
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