she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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