I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
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