The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
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