My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize