Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
