awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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