i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
