My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Text me some of your sweat
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
