Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
