My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Randomize
