Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
