last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
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