I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
The air taste purple.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
