I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
