i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
