I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
