I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
