my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
