I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Randomize