Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
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