my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
