did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Randomize
