what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
