I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
