Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
