Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
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