Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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