i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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