He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Damn victory sex feels great
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize