I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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