I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
