If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
