Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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