the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
