she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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