nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Randomize
