walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
