conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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