she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
