I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
It's shark week go big or go home
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
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