i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
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