I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
