i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
