So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
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