I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
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