I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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