I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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