Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
