I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
