That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
