She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
