There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Randomize
