I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Randomize
