He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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