So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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