did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Randomize
