My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
